Student Fees, Hannah Speaking

I work in the Fees department of the university in my city. It’s not a job I had ever anticipated after spending three years getting a bachelor of arts, as it’s full of numbers and rules, but it’s a job and it pays the rent.

There was some doubt about my qualification for this role. I called my dad to tell him about it:
"Dad, I got a job!"
"Oh good news! What are you doing?"
"I'm going to be a Student Fee Advisor!"
"...Were you the only one who applied?”

Thanks, Dad.

Anyway, some of the job involves basic accounts management, but most of it involves idiot-herding. Seriously, I thought university students had to be smart, but I am continuously astonished by the total lack of common sense among the student population here.

We get some truly baffling questions:
“Are these fees compulsory?”
(On receipt of an email warning their fees are three months late) “What’s the last date I can pay these?”
“Will you hand my essay in?”
“How do I pay rent?”
“Can I pay you for my parking ticket?”
"Oh did I have to apply for my student loan?"

We also get some of the most hilarious, badly written emails I've ever seen. I genuinely didn't think anyone actually wrote the word "youse" until I started here. I've seen whole page-long emails totall devoid of punctuation. They spell my name wrong. They spell their names wrong. One student had some trouble withdrawing from his course because he emailed "enrolement-enquirys@xxx.xxx" to tell them he wanted to drop out.

I think there should be a basic life-skills test before you can go to university. If you can't send a simple email or pay your own parking ticket you should be sent back to high school.

It worked for Adam Sandler.